Have you ever wondered why some people seem to sabotage their own success? It's a puzzling concept, isn't it? After all, success is what we're all striving for, that's what we believe we want. But the fear of success is more common and complex than you might think. It's a subtle, often unconscious force that can hold us back from reaching our full potential.
The Hidden Face of Fear of Success
Let's consider Sarah (name is changed), a bright professional who's been hoping to get a promotion for some time. On the surface, she's excited about the opportunity. It would feel like a really big achievement and her family is proud. But dig a little deeper, and you'll find a web of anxieties lurking beneath the excitement.
Sarah isn't afraid of getting the promotion per se. That would be a cause for celebration, a great win for her career. No, her fears are more insidious and harder to pin down:
What if she can't live up to the heightened expectations that come with the new role?
Will she have to sacrifice her already precarious work-life balance?
Could her relationships with her colleagues change, perhaps becoming more distant or competitive?
What if her new responsibilities expose gaps in her knowledge or skills?
What if everyone realises she's not as competent as they thought?
In a hidden corner of Sarah's mind, it might be easier to stay where she is, never facing these potential disappointments. The familiar, even if not entirely satisfying, feels safer than the unknown challenges that success might bring.
The Roots of Fear of Success
Where does this fear come from? Often, it's not about the present environment. Sarah's workplace is supportive, her manager gives her positive feedback, and her colleagues respect her. There are only green lights around her, urging her forward. So why the unconscious hesitation?
The issue lies deeper, often in past experiences that have left their mark. Our early lessons about success and achievement can shape our attitudes for years to come, sometimes in ways we don't even realise.
Childhood Lessons: When Winning Feels Like Losing
Consider this pivotal moment from Sarah's childhood: When she was ten, she won a TV in a raffle at a local fair. She was thrilled with her prize, beaming with pride as her picture was featured in the local paper. But her joy was short-lived.
Her mother, seeing an opportunity to upgrade the family's old TV, asked Sarah to "donate" her prize to the family. The new TV went into the living room, replacing the old one. But then, to Sarah's dismay, her mother took the old TV and put it in her brother's room - fulfilling his long-standing wish for a gaming setup.
For young Sarah, this victory turned sour. Her success, instead of bringing her joy and recognition, seemed to benefit everyone but her. She was left feeling betrayed and taken advantage of. It taught her a painful lesson: success can lead to disappointment and loss. She may have won the raffle, but she felt she lost in the bigger game of family dynamics and personal satisfaction.
This experience, and perhaps others like it, planted a seed of doubt in Sarah's mind. Success became associated with loss and disappointment, rather than joy and fulfilment. Whether or not she was truly taken advantage of is not what matters when looking at the origin of the fear, she did experience those feelings and those are what shaped her perspective. It's a connection that, years later, still influences her approach to opportunities and achievements.
The Many Faces of Fear of Success
Fear of success can manifest in various ways, often so subtle that we might not recognise them as fear at all.
Here are some common signs:
Procrastination: Putting off tasks that could lead to advancement. This might look like delaying applying for promotions or not finishing projects that could showcase your skills.
Lack of clear goals: Avoiding setting concrete objectives. If you don't have a clear target, you can't fail to reach it - but you also can't succeed.
Self-sabotage: Unconsciously undermining one's own efforts. This could be as obvious as missing important deadlines, or as subtle as downplaying your achievements in conversations with superiors.
For Sarah, it primarily manifests as self-sabotage:
She holds back in meetings, not sharing her full potential or innovative ideas.
She second-guesses her decisions, often changing course mid-project even when her initial instincts were correct.
She assumes others' opinions are more valid than her own, trusting her colleagues to know better even in areas where she has expertise.
She struggles to accept compliments or recognition, often waiving off praise to others.
These behaviours, while protective in the short term, ultimately hold Sarah back from the success she's capable of achieving.
Society’s Success Template: A One-Size-Fits-All Trap
Part of the complexity of fear of success comes from the societal expectations we all navigate. Many people, like Sarah, find themselves on a path they didn't consciously choose. They pursued studies that promised job security or followed a picture-perfect template of success: a well-paying job, a spouse, a mortgage, and maybe children.
On paper, to neighbours, family, and old school friends, they're successful. But internally, there's an uncomfortable sense of dissatisfaction or inauthenticity.
The problem is, many of us never ask ourselves, "What do I really want?" It's a daunting question. What if the answer contradicts everything we've worked for? What if our true desires seem like failures in others' eyes? What if there's nothing we truly want, and we're destined to feel shallow and unfulfilled? Or worse, what if we know what we want but feel it's unattainable, leaving us in a state of perpetual regret and bitterness?
Faced with these uncomfortable possibilities, it can seem easier to stick with the familiar path, even if it doesn't bring true fulfilment. For Sarah, continuing in her current role, unhappy but stable, might feel safer than risking change.
Breaking Free from Success Anxiety
So how can Sarah - and others like her - move past this fear?
Here are some strategies:
Define personal success: Take time to clarify what truly matters to you. What does success look like in your terms, not society's? This might involve journaling, meditation, or deep conversations with trusted friends.
Confront the fears: Identify and challenge the specific fears holding you back. Acknowledge it’s there. What's the worst that could happen if you succeed? How likely is it really? Developing stress management techniques can help you face these fears with more resilience.
Build self-worth: Work on developing confidence that's separate from your achievements. Remember, you matter and have value regardless of your accomplishments or others' opinions.
Rewire the brain: Create new, helpful patterns of behaviour. This might involve setting small, achievable “victory” goals and celebrating when you reach them, gradually building your comfort with success.
Seek support: Consider working with a coach or therapist who can help you navigate these complex feelings and develop strategies tailored to your situation.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself as you work through these fears. Change takes time, and setbacks are a normal part of the process.
Embracing the Idea of Wholesome Success
Remember, you're not alone if you've felt this paradoxical fear of success. It's a complex issue with deep roots, often tracing back to childhood experiences and pressures from society. But understanding it is the first step to overcoming it.
You have the power to redefine success on your own terms. You can learn to embrace achievements without fear of the imagined consequences. It's about recognising your worth, independent of external validation or past experiences.
For Sarah, this might mean having an honest conversation with her manager about her career goals and concerns. It could involve setting boundaries to protect her work-life balance as she takes on new responsibilities. Most importantly, it means learning to trust her own judgment and value her contributions.
If this resonates with you, perhaps it's time to explore further. Consider reaching out to a professional like myself who can help you navigate these complex feelings and build a healthier relationship with success. We can provide tools and perspectives to help you overcome ingrained patterns and move towards a more fulfilling life.
After all, you deserve to enjoy your achievements and growth, free from the shadows of past disappointments or societal expectations. Your success story is waiting to be written - on your own terms. It may not always be easy, and there might be setbacks along the way, but the journey towards embracing your own success is ultimately rewarding.
Remember, true success isn't just about reaching a particular goal or status. It's about living a life that aligns with your values, allows you to use your talents, and brings you a sense of fulfilment. By facing your fear of success, you open the door to a richer, more authentic life experience.
So what are you waiting for?
Are you ready to embark on your own transformative journey? Book a free consultation, or subscribe to our newsletter for more insights, tips, and best practices for personal and leadership development. Together, we can help you get where you want to be.
Author: Cecile Hemery
Bio: Cecile is the founder of Walayance, a coaching practice dedicated to empowering quiet leaders to find their authentic voice, amplify their impact, and accelerate their career progression.
With 15 years of experience in the Gaming and Mobile industry, holding senior roles in Marketing and Product, Cecile intimately understands the challenges faced by quiet professionals in dynamic, competitive environments.
Her journey from feeling overlooked to becoming a confident leader informs her coaching approach, helping clients transform their careers and leadership styles. Cecile specialises in supporting introverted, sensitive, and hard-working leaders who struggle to be heard or feel stuck in their current roles.
Accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF) as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC), Cecile combines professional coaching with practical wisdom. Her expertise extends to areas such as effective communication, career confidence, work-life balance, and authentic leadership development.
Cecile's unique approach focuses on helping quiet leaders regain confidence, amplify their voice in professional settings, make decisions aligned with their true selves, and navigate change with clarity and purpose.
Based in the UK and working globally, Cecile offers both individual and corporate coaching services, dedicated to unlocking the quiet power within leaders and propelling their careers - and impact - to new heights.
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